For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize