see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
