Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Randomize
