i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
