8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
