He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
