my room smells like sperm. sweet.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
