Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize