I smell stomach acid.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
