the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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