I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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