no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
