God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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