i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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