Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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