just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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