Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
