I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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