In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
