i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
