sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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