just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
