I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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