I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
two words...techno handjob
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize