Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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