I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
