My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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