My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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