On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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