I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
