i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
