I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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