I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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