It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
