I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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