Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
