Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
