you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
