Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
