When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
