Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
When are your genitals available?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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