It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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