just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
