I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
