Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
