and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
