A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
