I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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