Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize