actually, I'm a sock model
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
