it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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