Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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