Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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