My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
