it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
