bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
