You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
