I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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