My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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