I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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