i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
