oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
