this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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