I skipped work to stalk him.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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