wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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