at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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