Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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