Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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