She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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